The Halfway Point

 I'm at Pluckers Wing Bar on Easter afternoon. It's a lovely day in Dallas and I'm out with family. That's an important detail - a gathering among friends wouldn't have allowed me room for the social faux pas I was in the process of committing.

As the other three at our table place their orders (it's dollar wing day), I politely decline to order food and ask for a water. I am in the midst of consuming something far more vital to me than wings: The finale of The Wheel of Time: A Crown of Swords, by Robert Jordan. By the time the appetizers arrive, I'm already too engrossed in my kindle to notice.

As I near the book's conclusion, I feel the pace of my reading take off. It's not unlike when you're going down a hill on a bike, and the thrill of the speedy descent morphs into a fearful surrender to a pace that can't be slowed down. 

Every book of the series has a final act that delivers a punch. This narrative structure feels intrinsic to Jordan's writing. He revels in demonstrating his ability to take the carefully threaded parallel plot lines and suddenly cinch them tight in a grandiose conclusion; a magic trick almost. I find this structure to have a canny parallel in the story's magic system, with the character's usage of saidín and saidar, the male and female halves of the One Power, described as the weaving of magical threads. The heroes and villains alike make these magical weaves permanent by tying them off, or invisible to others by inverting them.

The allegorical relationship between Jordan's writing style and his magic system is one of many connections I find between my daily life in the real world and the fabricated environment of our Two Rivers heroes. Now millions of words into this saga, I constantly find myself describing real-world phenomena in terms of the WoT universe. 

The inherently destructive yet potent nature of saidín at times seems to be an eerie allegory for aspects of my own nature; the times where I need to wrestle with my own will and concentrate. In other moments, when I have to accept what is out of my control and calm my mind, the requisite surrender of those who call upon saidar flutters into my imagination of the perfect, fantastical mirror of my own experience. The magnifying effects of magical objects like the angreal and sa'angreal also show up in my life: One chocolate chip cookie gives me a 2x productivity boost for at least an hour.

I am enjoying these books. The characters endear me, the world is immersive, and the villains are compelling, terrifying, and motivated with astonishing complexity (book 7 in particular adds so many layers here).

Nevertheless, I am already quite sure of the aspects of these books that I don't like. Jordan has a penchant for the most obscure English vocabulary, placed in the oddest of sentences. While I love a novelty term as much as any avid reader, I sometimes find these entries to be distracting or ham-fisted.

Jordan describes indiscriminately. The series is famed for having over 2,000 named characters. This I appreciate at times, as it adds color and language to the dozens of cultures and peoples in the books. However, I do find myself wishing that in moments where further exposition is not called for, Jordan would have opted to decorate the scene with some nameless extras in the background, wearing nondescript clothing.

Lastly, the true flaw, and the only one I think is a valid reason to put these books down, is the insufferably repetitive, objectifying depiction of women. While aspects of the way Jordan handles the sex and gender of the characters are cogent, every female character has to have a clearly detailed description of her bosom, her youthfulness or lack thereof, the cut and opacity of her dress fabric, and sometimes, as and added bonus, we learn if she is skinny or fat. For a series where sex and gender are intrinsic to the magic system, and where Jordan carefully splits the main cast between male and female perspectives, I find myself frequently groaning at how much of a missed opportunity these sloppy, sometimes misogynistic depictions repeat themselves book after book. For a world with some of the most genre-defining world-building, political theatre, and magic systems, you'd expect the same level of tact and nuance to be used when expressing the gendered dynamics of the cast. Unfortunately, each book has consistently left me wanting more in that regard.

Despite my criticisms, I am eager to continue the series and discover how the story develops. 

The Back Cover

What I'm listening to currently:

The Eye of the World - Reread and Ambitions of Series Completion

 Over my adult life, I have periodically attempted to reinstate my childhood habit of nightly reading. Though I enjoy many genres, fantasy specifically is still quite compelling to me, and it has the added bonus of animating my childhood nostalgia.

My reading life experienced a renaissance during the year of 2020, as I expect many others' did, and I repeatedly saw recommendations and rave reviews for The Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan. The series is a gargantuan, epic fantasy tale spanning 14 books and 4.4 million words. The sheer challenge reading this series would pose to me, a busy adult with a somewhat corroded reading ability, issued an intoxicating, seductive call.

At that time, I bought the first five books, and made it through the first 4. I was not reading consistently (my Goodreads review for book #3 comments that I read it "over the span of 9 months"), but I did enjoy the books at that time. I'm not quite sure why I didn't continue. I do suspect, though, the twin poisons of a suffocating work life and the ever-present distraction of less attention-hungry entertainment threatened my nightly reading habit seemingly without antidote.

Fast-forward to late 2025 - I was gifted a Kindle by a friend during our Friendsgiving, and the packaging depicted the Kindle with page 1 of "The Eye of the World," book 1 of The Wheel of Time series, upon its screen. Reanimated by this reminder of the fantasy world I had once enjoyed but prematurely departed, I decided to attempt a reread. 

I eschewed any careful consideration of whether 2026 will provision enough time for me to complete a 14-book series, and decided to jump right back in to reading book #1 as soon as the Kindle was charged. I found the mix of recklessness and ambition of my decision to be small but precious thrill - playful act of defiance in the face of the perfectionism that rules most of my life with totalitarian authority.

The process of the reread was exciting for two reasons. First, the book made the reestablishment of my daily reading quite easy. I imagine this was helped in part by my infatuation with a piece of new tech. With the Kindle's small size (I have the 6" model), carrying a 750-page novel in my pocket felt like an electric, fun secret accompanying me throughout the day. 

Second, having the context of books 2-4 somewhat preserved in my memory, I was able to more deeply appreciate and marvel at the true quality of the world-building and exposition Jordan achieves at the outset of the series. I've always heard The Wheel of Time lauded for its world-building, and the way it weaves a complex tapestry of cultures, history, and politics as a backdrop for the story it tells without burdening the reader with long passages of explanation. Having some sense of where the story was headed on my second read definitely deepened my ability to recognize this.

I fell even more in love with the main cast. Rand, Perrin, Mat, Nynaeve, and Egwene all charm in their own ways. The structural similarities shared with The Fellowship of the Ring in this first novel don't plagiarize, but pay homage, in a way that is deeply satisfying. Visualizing the world and the magic of it was more vivid this time around. Am I just reading with more focus and care than I was last time? I'm not quite sure. But each passage describing the mysterious use of saidin or saidar, the male and female halves of the One Power, left my imagination dazzled with the color and originality of this world's magic system. The conclusion of the novel, specifically, was such a collage of rich, striking, and disturbing environments and textures that it reminded me of the writing of Jeff Vandermeer (Annihilation, Veniss Underground).

As I was speeding through the final pages, I was caught up in a feeling that is far too infrequent for me these days: the increased heart rate and the pounding compulsion one feels when you're reading a true page-turner. It was exhilarating and I can't wait for more.

An Impulse for Twang, and an Impulse for Impulse.

4:31pm. Virtual meetings are over for the day. Glancing halfheartedly at my to-do list for work, I note only sub-5-minute tasks remain, work I can easily postpone until tomorrow. I leave my work laptop open, pop into the kitchen and slice an apple, then return to my desk and discreetly open a YouTube window on my iPad.

A subspecies of the scrolling hobby, meandering around various corners of YouTube has been a flavor of Internet downtime that helps retain a facade of purpose; of education and intellectual rigor. While I have recently been in one of my oft-repeated phases of eschewing what I often consider more mindless platforms (TikTok, Instagram), YouTube still delivers a nicotine kick, briefly removing me from the problems of life and work and turning off my brain for a bit.

My YouTube habits typically follow trails of hyperfixations that last, on average, about a month. June was plant-based cooking. July was terrarium design. August was bikepacking. As September rolled around, my (algorithm-guided) path took me back to a previous hyperfixation from last year: banjo.

My draw to the banjo is easy for me to make sense of. I have always loved stringed instruments. I've spent thousands of hours with my viola. Its resonance is real and tactile. Though I have a deep respect and admiration for other methods of producing sound, an invisible column of vibrating air will never quite hook me like the feeling of strings buzzing under my fingers, and the full-body calm that comes over me when all of the sympathetic frequencies of the instrument lock in.

Nevertheless, the banjo represents a nearly unintelligible dialect of string playing to me. The metallic timbre is so removed from the near-human vocal qualities of a bowed instrument. Musical aspects such as contrapuntal voicing, arpeggiation and syncopation (things that at times can be quite difficult to accomplish on the viola without restriction) are intrinsic to the banjo and how it is played. The banjo might not lend itself to melodic or lyrical playing, but that's what I have my viola for.

As with any of my temporary hyperfixations, spending my late afternoon hours watching "5 exercises to practice a Scruggs-style forward roll on banjo" is an indulgence. These YouTube fixations are catalysts for constructing an imagined futures where I too can boast a beautifully constructed terrarium collection, or stories of days out on the bikepacking trails, or a casual roster of plucky tunes on the banjo. The ease video essays and vlogs provide of transporting myself to these potential futures is pleasing and fun. Its sweetness is especially amplified after the days with even more corporate slog than I am accustomed to dealing with.

Nevertheless, I occasionally feel a reaction to these pleasant feelings. A bitterness, or a hardness, that arises when quenching soulful yearning with purely immaterial daydreams and alternate, nonexistent selves. As the hyperfixation loses its hold on me, and the fascination and intrigue becomes tinged with boredom, I develop resentment for my habit of only imagining, and not doing. I am deeply familiar with these grooves and patterns of habit and thought. At times I am resigned to it, and in others, I find myself deeply dissatisfied with the cycle of connection followed by disillusionment. 

On this random Thursday, this dissatisfaction gnaws at me much more desperately than I expect. It builds and builds. Driven by a sudden fervor of action, I search "nearest Guitar Center" on my phone. I grab my keys and slam my work laptop shut. I try not to think too hard about what I'm doing; I realize quickly I won't be able to justify an impulsive purchase with reason. I know nothing about banjos, their price points, what I might want or not want, and whether this store even has anything in stock. I hastily google "entry-level banjo cost" to dampen internal cries of caution, shoving all thoughts of planning out. I know that in this case, it is only by quickly grabbing ahold of this sudden impulse that I may end up with a banjo in hand. Too much reason, too much caution, or too much planning will likely result in me letting the desire of this hyperfixation fade like all the others, the barrier of making responsible choices simply too impossible to surpass after the toll of all my other duties and responsibilities in life are exacted.

After a short drive, I pull in to the parking lot and walk into the store a little too quickly. I avoid eye contact with the employees, my quest too fragile to risk a conversation about what I'm looking for. (Scanning the store-wide wall of lime-green, plaid, and chrome electric guitars, I imagine they won't have much to say about banjos anyway.) I make it to the back of the store, where a handful of banjos are leaned against a wall, adjacent to a small home humidifying unit for the acoustic instruments. Grab one and get out! I think to myself, pushing down a growing distaste for my own rashness.

An observant salesman notices me; he calls out from a slightly too-far distance: "Anything I can help you find?" 

"I'm looking for a banjo."

He pauses, then walks closer. "I don't really know much about banjos. They're all right here." he remarks, gesturing to the wall next to me. "Do you have an idea of what you're looking for?"

"That one." I blurt out, worried any hesitation will reveal my inner conflict. I point confidently to a Gold Tone AC-1. The top result of my Google search. He grabs the banjo and hands it to me.

"Anything else?"

"Nope, I think that's it."

I make it back to the parking lot, and in the privacy of my car, I finally relax, my rapidly fluctuating brain chemistry tugging at my cheeks, a grin impossible to suppress. 

Driving home, I begin to realize will have to deal with this decision in other ways. I know that though my inaction was frustrating me, I would have forgiven it much more readily than I will forgive letting this new banjo lie dusty and unused in the corner of my living room. I think of the new responsibility I've put upon myself, and how the instant gratification of the purchase, now over, can only be followed by the snail-paced, delayed gratification of learning a new instrument. I chuckle briefly. I am impressed with my own ability to circumvent any rational decision-making. I feel like I've pulled off a heist

6:12pm.

I pull in the driveway, and walk slowly inside. I uncover the out-of-tune instrument from its cheap cloth case, and begin tuning. I pull up a banjo lesson on YouTube, and after a brief pause, and a sigh, I begin to practice. 

Moving

For the first time in my life, I am really doing a transplant move! I've moved a lot in my life but always with family or with a end-of-semester date in mind. My university campus truly became my home after the six months that I was there. Uprooting to a totally unexpected location without a deadline in mind is truly a new feeling. Though I've always known I would be moving after finishing school, and it's something I believe will serve me well long-term, it's not an event the likes of which I had experienced before.

I spent years complaining about living in East Lansing, but I had cultivated a home there. Friendships, memories, and experiences are viscerally linked to each building on campus, and each street spoking outwards. I spent my last week collecting up some nostalgia, eating food from restaurants I'll miss, spending time with friends, and renting electric scooters and zooming around campus, fashioning empty parking garages into obstacle courses. I'm definitely homesick.

It is exhilarating to be in a new place, to have so many new parks and pockets of town to explore, so many new people to meet, etc. Though I can't help but wonder if I would feel less lonely if I had made this move a year before, under COVID-19-less circumstances, as there are not many options for meeting and spending time with new people. 

I have a list of local restaurants that I am working through, ordering take-out after long days of working from home. I have adopted a kitten, named Percival, who keeps me quite busy when I'm not working. And I am also trying to maintain many personal activities I enjoy: practicing Spanish, staying fit, practicing viola, and reading. Many of these things can be expounded upon in their own posts, which I might do if I continue to enjoy writing. :)

a reflection on three months of focused language learning

From April 8 to July 6, I took part in a language learning challenge: 90 one-hour group classes on Zoom in 90 days. Complete the challenge and the classes are free. Within the span of these three months, I knew that I would have to defend my thesis, finalize the completion of my Master's degree, start a new job, and move to another state. Even with all of this going on, I felt painfully stuck in my Spanish studies, and was eager for any chance to reignite a sense of progress.

I had done a bit of Rosetta Stone for Spanish when I was in middle school, but that was the only exposure I had had to the language before this time. In high school, I was much more interested in French, and also spent time studying Russian, Swedish, and Mandarin Chinese. I had lost any interest in Spanish and didn't see a role for the language in my future.

I started studying Spanish again around the turn of the new year in January, 2017. Multiple motivations to familiarize myself with the language once again were popping up all over in my life, so I started with Duolingo and completed the Spanish tree there. Beyond that, I didn't engage in much focused study, but did try to listen to music with lyrics in Spanish, watch Youtubers whose content was in Spanish, etc.

In 2018, I made it a New Year's resolution to improve my Spanish. I initially planned to document my progress in a series of monthly videos, of which I only made two. Nevertheless, I feel that I did accomplish my goal of improving my Spanish. I reached a level where I could exchange text messages relatively easily in Spanish, and I did this frequently on language exchange apps in order to practice. However, this was an inefficient method and didn't lead to much speaking and listening practice. Busy with school, I found myself arriving into Spring 2020 without significant change in my overall confidence and fluency in the language.

Spending an hour speaking with a Spanish tutor each day for three months completely changed my relationship with the language. These are the changes I have noticed:

1) I first began to not mind the discomfort that always set in the moment I tried to speak or express myself. The willingness to risk sounding stupid in order to improve was something I always had known I needed, but it took more effort than I realized to put that into practice. My listening improved each class as I heard daily variation in dialect and teaching style. And though each incremental improvement was small, the daily accumulation of experience made it easy to feel the progress I was making.

2) I learned that there were many aspects of grammar that I was just hoping I would passively absorb through exposure. Yet, when I was taught them explicitly, I realized that just sitting down, isolating a certain tense, construction, or set of phrases, and practicing them was saving me so much time in the learning process. For me to have absorbed these things passively, it would have taken much more time and given me much less confidence along the way.

3) I was surprised that, when asked to read a passage, I would so easily trip over my words and pronounce phrases poorly. Reading out loud for ten minutes a day before the lessons quickly improved this, but it was something I never made myself do before. It also helped me improve my accent and remove American-English fillers from my speech.

4) Disciplined, daily practice is not preceded by motivation, but it does cultivate it! Before this challenge, I was not consistently motivated to put in daily practice and use smart methods to study Spanish, but, coming out of this challenge, I feel a deep love for the language-learning process and for the Spanish language that I didn't have before. I am excited to take my three months' worth of notes (spanning two notebooks and several Google docs!) and dive in to the topics that I know I still need to practice more.

All in all, this was one of the highlights of my year so far. I am glad for a break from the classes as they were intense, and I think I need some time to review and practice what I learned, but I am proud of myself for taking on this challenge and thankful that I now can watch Netflix series, listen to podcasts, and engage in meaningful conversations in Spanish with confidence.

10 Reasons For Learning Russian

Given the astronomic scale of my duties during this last week of my third semester at Michigan State University, my time has unfortunately been siphoned away from Russian into the much more mundane activities of studying and exam-taking.

A few days ago, as I was studying for my Music History final, I was taking a study break and thought of what I could talk about on my blog, since I haven't made much progress in my Russian project recently. After a few moments of mental meandering about random topics, I suddenly had a wonderful idea. If I don't have the opportunity to learn Russian at the moment, I should at least cultivate my motivation towards learning it! Recalling a suggestion I read in a Facebook group, I sat down and scribbled out ten reasons I feel compelled to make this commitment and attempt to learn the Russian language.

Looking back, I should have had this list made months ago. Motivation ebbs and flows, and it would have been so helpful to have a short list of reasons to remind me why it is important that I persevere; that I press on. Hopefully these reasons will help me stay committed in the future, when I am tempted to give up, or even worse, spiral unconsciously into an abyss of apathy, half-heartedly studying but never learning.

Here are my reasons:

1. The language has an inexplicable, aesthetic appeal to me.

This is probably not the best reason out there, given that it is based entirely upon how I feel. After all, a year ago, I thought Russian sounded gnarly, spiky, and uninviting, and I had absolutely no desire to study it. That has changed, obviously, and now when I hear it, I hear beauty, passion, deep feeling and emotion, and conviction. The phonology which at first sounded so hostile now sounds warm and noble. The grammar and syntax, while endlessly and bafflingly complex, is eternally and irresistibly interesting. This may not be a very concrete reason to study Russian, but I feel that without this attraction to the language, learning and studying would be much harder.

2. Russian is a Lingua Franca.

Lingua Franca
/ˌliNGɡwə ˈfraNGkə/, n.
A language that is adopted as a common language between speakers whose native languages are different.

Russian is spoken not only in Russia, but across Eastern Europe, and Russian is the predominant second language in countries such as Ukraine, Belarus, Latvia, Lithuania, Kazakstan, etc. Because of this, Russian is the 8th most spoken language in the world by native speakers, and 7th by total speakers, and though the number of native speakers is estimated at between 150-170 million, the total number of Russian speakers in the world is estimated at around 260 million. Thus, Russian is not only a window into Russia, but a gateway language into multiple other nations and cultures. 

3. There is a wealth of literature in Russian, and much of it is untranslated.

"Noble efforts to translate and promote Russia’s contemporary literature persist, but today in the United States, only about 4.6 percent of books translated into English were written in Russian, placing the language far behind French, Spanish, and German. “Great books are being written in Russia today,” Dmitry Bykov, Russia’s leading contemporary critic and a biographer of Pasternak, said in a radio interview. “But not nearly enough get translated.” (http://foreignpolicy.com/2015/03/24/is-russian-literature-dead/)

Keep in mind while reading that quote that literature in translation only makes up 3% of the literature on our stores' bookshelves here in the US. Again, this reason is only what you make of it. I don't have a true need to read those books, given the amount of books written in English that I feel I will never get to. Nevertheless, it is a comforting thought to think that I am unlocking new literature by learning a language, and that's what counts.

4. Learning Russian promotes needed and valuable communication.

This is a really, really big one for me. This one doesn't just go for Russian, but for many other languages as well. In our increasingly global society, misunderstandings and strife are advancing just as much as technology and innovation. One of the most inspiring personalities in the polyglot community, Tim Doner, has remarked on how revolutionary learning Arabic, Hebrew, and Farsi was in his understanding of countries like Israel, Saudi Arabia, and Iran, and the entire Middle East conflict. There are always misconceptions from culture to culture, and when people from both sides are working towards a mutual understanding by learning each other's languages, that helps bring knowledge and understanding greatly. Even on a personal level, learning a language even in a small way can help you start to see into another way of life and get a glimpse into another facet of humanity that you will never regret.

5. The population and monolingualism of Russia.

One thing about Russian as opposed to, say, Swedish, is the sheer numbers involved. Sweden has a population of about 9 million people, and over 80% of them can speak at least some level of English. Now look at Russia. 144 million people by contrast. And only 5.5% of the population can speak English. Therefore, by learning Russian, you are giving yourself a tool to communicate to another 130 million people that you previously had no way of speaking to. (Random, digressive fun fact: Did you know that though Russia has an area 116 times the size of Bangladesh, Russia's population is only 85% of the population of Bangladesh? Interesting...)

6. Russian film history.

Battleship Potemkin. 'Nuff said.

Funnily, the film I mentioned is dialogueless. Yet I don't see how anyone can watch that without wanting to know more about Russian filmmaking. I don't know if this is a good reason or not I guess, because I haven't actually really delved into this world. My Russian History professor has, and he's obsessed though, so I think it's good. Anyway......

7. Russian music culture.

My viola professor is from Russia. I have music friends from Russia. I hear conversations about music in Russian daily. Shostakovich. Prokofiev. Stravinsky. Tchaikovsky. Rimsky-Korsakov. Etc. Etc. Etc.

8. Accessibility  of resources/abundance of speakers

I. e. at least I'm not learning Greenlandic.

9. Traveling.

I really do want to go to Russia. I want to see St. Petersburg and Moscow. Lake Baikal. The Ergaki mountains. Karelia. Kamchatka. Everything.

10. To be able to see the world through a different lens.

“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.”

- Mark Twain

Said about traveling, but no doubt applicable to the effects of language-learning as well. Fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness. We need less of those things. I'm all for that.

Let's learn some Russian.

Being introduced to the Accusative case (and the panic that ensued)

Duolingo Russian has been quite a blessing to me as I pursue my Russian project. But sometimes, even a nice, free course such as this can't sugar-coat some of the... spikier, less comfortable aspects of learning Russian.

So, the case system. Yes, Russian nouns are inflected with different endings depending on a number of factors, some of which come to mind are number, gender, function (subject, direct object, etc.) whether the preceding consonant is palatalized, whether the noun is animate or inanimate...

Great stuff!

I really do love it, but sometimes I also get the urge to burn my grammar book. What's great is how bipolar my attitude towards Russian grammar can be! There are moments where I feel like a kid in a candy store, and others where I feel like some cruel agent of evil is burying me alive in musty yellowed pages of grammar rules, along with the exceptions to all of those rules.

In other words, there's a fine balance.

In moments like this, I have to go back to why I'm learning Russian, or any foreign language for that matter, in the first place. A few deep breaths. Going back to how fun this can be.

And onwards.

So, I've worked through a few of the cases on Duolingo. Mostly nominative and genitive, which haven't provided many issues for me.

Then I reached the accusative. Here's a play-by-play explanation of my thought process while reading the initial notes:

"Only feminine nouns ending in -а / -я have a separate form. «Мама» is a good example of this class:
ма́ма → ма́му
Neuter nouns and feminine nouns with a final -ь (e.g., «мы́шь») use the nominative form."

Me: "What? Only one gender of nouns has a different ending for this case?! Splendid! Wonderful! Marvelous! I can do this!

Than I read:

"Now we are left with masculine nouns ending in a consonant (сок, медве́дь, брат). They use the same form as in nominative or genitive: living beings ("animate") copy the genitive. Objects ("inanimate") stay nominative in plural. This rule applies to all types of nouns.

With "substances"(mass nouns), genitive may be used instead to convey a meaning of "some" quantity."

ACK. What? For masculine nouns, the ending the accusative borrows depends on whether the noun is animate or inanimate? So depending on whether the thing can breathe or not it either looks like the genitive or the nominative, when it is actually the accusative?

Apparently so.

This may not be as easy as I thought.

Duolingo Russian Is Upon Us!

"O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
  He chortled in his joy.

This has been a long-awaited moment friends. Before I had even started investigating Russian, a course was in the works over at the Duolingo Incubator to teach Russian to speakers of English. As I may have alluded to, Duolingo is a very important resource for me. Completing the French course was an important moment and really spurred me to go to a level in French I had never accomplished in any language before. The fact that it is a free resource and never plans to charge money for its courses is incredibly encouraging especially for students like me who don't have the pleasure of being able to go out and buy expensive language courses.

I've quickly decided on my least favorite part of the course, and unfortunately, it's something that isn't really fixable. I didn't expect how frustrating it would be to have to switch between the English and Cyrillic keyboards all the time! Depending on whether the sentence I am asked to translate is in English or in Russian, I have to change my keyboard settings to the appropriate language. I should be glad I'm not hauling around two 50-pound typewriters, I suppose. It really isn't that bad.

One of my favorite parts of Duolingo is that it forces you to learn a lot of the grammar points more slowly than you would otherwise. Why is that good, do you ask? Well, here's my problem. I open my "Essentials of Russian Grammar" book from the library, and I see pages and pages of noun declensions. I pore over them, and try to ingest them all at once. I want to just believe that if I stare at the table hard enough, I will gradually just learn all of the endings available to me. An impossible task. Duolingo introduces the different forms of the words much more sparingly, so for the first chunk of the course, instead of trying to differentiate between the singular and plural forms of the nominative, genitive, dative, accusative, instrumental, and prepositional cases in their masculine, feminine, and neuter genders, I am given masculine nominative singular and masculine accusative singular, and those are the only two I get to play with for a while. Then, as I pass the various levels and skills, more forms are introduced. This staggered learning style is much more effective for synthetic languages like Russian, where the language is full of little endings you have to attach to the ends of nouns, verbs, adjectives, and pronouns to change the meaning.

The true test of this course's worth, however, will be to see how much it aids my conversation and comprehension skills. We'll see about that.

Cyrillic, or, learning to read in Russian.

привет ребята!

The Russian project continues everyone! It's not been a quick business, but as they say на русском: Тише едешь - дальше будешь. "He who goes slowly goes far."

One of my first goals in tackling a language such as this is learning the writing system. Especially as a person who has taking phonology and can read IPA, nothing makes me cringe quite like romanized Cyrillic. (Or romanized anything for that matter. Except pinyin. Pinyin is a glorious gift from above! But more on that later.)

So yes. Russian uses a different alphabet. Welcome to Cyrillic! A fairly old writing system derived from Greek, Cyrillic has 33 letters and is used for multiple languages in Europe and Eastern Asia, especially languages of Slavic origin. Though it varies slightly from language to language, these are the current letters used in the Russian alphabet:

 А Б В Г Д Е Ё Ж З И Й К Л М Н О П Р С Т У Ф Х Ц Ч Ш Щ Ъ Ы Ь Э Ю Я

Pretty awesome right? Yeah. It's pretty scary at first. But I had a pretty good system for learning the letters. The letters fall into three types. The first group are letters that look exactly like the Latin letters and also represent the same sounds! These include А, Т, М, and К for instance. Pronounced just like the English. I "learned" those first. Which basically just meant remembering that I already knew them! The second group are the ones that look nothing like letters in the Latin alphabet. Those took some more work. (Д, Ш, З, П, Ж, Ю, Г among others). There are a lot of those. The last group are the ones that look like you should be able to know them but they are really false friends. Out to trick you and make you embarrass yourself when you're trying to read Russian words. For instance, the sound В in Russian is equivalent to our letter V.  What?! What's more, Н makes an "n" sound, Р makes a trilled "r" sound, and Я, which first looked to me like a backwards R, is actually a VOWEL and is pronounced "ya." WHAT.

Honestly though, this isn't too bad as far as learning new writing systems go. I don't have to go memorize 3000 non-phonetic, stroke-ordered characters like you do in Chinese. I don't have to learn to read backwards as you will have to in many Semitic languages.

At this point, I feel that I've gotten a really good feel for Cyrillic. I know the sounds really well! Point at a Cyrillic letter and I can tell you how to pronounce it. Except for Ш and Щ. Oh, and also Ь and Ъ. And I forgot Ы! Maybe I should specify: I can explain to you how the letter should be pronounced in the event that you are lucky enough to be able to make the sounds with your mouth.

Oh boy. It's a party. This is why learning languages is so fun. :)

Stay tuned for part 2: learning how to write in Cyrillic!

Some "Spring Cleaning" remarks

Привет Друзья!
I can't believe how long it's been since I've updated! College definitely took a lot of my time and energy. As a result, I neglected things such as this blog. A fascinating question is whether my lack of time was because of my efficiency at completing tasks being too low or merely because of the external circumstances, regardless of my actions. But that's for another blog post.

 Well, I'm done with my first year at Michigan State University. It's been a crazy ride. I didn't grow in ways I hoped and learned things I didn't expect. I'm okay with that; sometimes the best thing we can do is leave our prior expectations for ourselves unfulfilled when life takes us down another road. I certainly learned a lot about music, myself, and the world. I can solfège and part-write in my sleep, and I've learned how to practice. Yes, I didn't know how to practice before college. That was something I just learned this past year.

 And the great fact is, all of these things I've learned are points on the journey to self-betterment. I've learned how much I still need to improve. I know that there are still vast continents, no worlds, no UNIVERSES of undiscovered knowledge for me just within the College of Music, let alone the world at large. And now I take back my take back my previous statement and say this: I still don't know how to practice as best I can, but I have been empowered with the knowledge of my insufficiency and given a will to improve. And though I claimed I can solfège and part-write in my sleep, I'm sure I've only seen the tip of the iceberg and will continue to have to learn and grow in new and vast ways.

 A few posts (or more than a few) could be devoted to my college experiences. I also took an introductory linguistics class this past semester that really impacted me and my view of the field. It was the only class I maintained perfect attendance in (even when quite sick). I was so enthralled with the material I felt such excitement walking into class each week wondering what I would learn. We covered basic phonetics, sociolinguistics, historical linguistics, and syntax.

 Since I have always had a fascination with language and the acquisition of foreign language in particular, taking this class has upended my language studies to say the least. I've abandoned Hungarian for the time being, for a reason my former self would deem quite stupid. Since Hungarian is a non-Indo-European language (it is instead a Finno-Ugric language) it presents immense, immense linguistic interest to me and thus, though this may sound counterintuitive, I want to actually delay my study of Hungarian until I gained a more thorough and academically acceptable grasp of linguistic theory.

 I have instead been maintaining my French skills by speaking with native speakers on Skype and Italki as well as watching movies and TV shows in French. I still stutter and feel very uncomfortable in conversation, and my accent is lacking the finesse I desire, but I rarely have to resort to English, and that alone is a goal reached for me.

 In addition to French, this week I have began a 6-month Russian challenge with a group of people I met online. This is very exciting for me, and I have already witnessed how useful studying with a time-cap will be for me. My goal is to hold a 30-minute conversation in Russian in 6 months with a native speaker, along with posting monthly updates. Since I have a goal with a time scale it has really helped me analyze how to study in a way that will prove useful and profitable as well as search for methods that will reap the appropriate results for my goals. So far, I have already learned basic greetings and, perhaps more importantly, how to read Cyrillic. I would love to be able to translate my blog posts to Russian in 6 months as well. We'll see if that will happen. :) Lastly, this is a fairly loose commitment, as music is my #1 priority and if my music studies demand so much time that I can't study Russian, then so be it.

 However, (this goes for nearly everyone) I have found that most people, mainly myself, who claim not to have time to do something such as learning a language do actually have the time, it's just a matter of arranging your schedule in a way that will accommodate what you wish to accomplish. That being said, we'll see what happens with this Russian challenge! :)

До свидания!

Life

Gets crazy.

Yeah.

Whatever...
Three things to cover today.
Snow. I truly am enjoying this winter. I don't know why. Common sense, or at least some semblance of sense masquerading as the common variety in my head, deems such a sentiment as truly unusual given my current circumstances. I still live in Michigan, except now I have to walk everywhere. Yep. So why?
Goodness, I don't know exactly. And knowing why is so often not what it's about. All this theory and stipulation about things. Why squirrels are cute or why guacamole tastes good... Forget it. Just enjoy them.
I do really like the snow and the winter. So many great philosophical fragments and anecdotes always seem to swim around in my head during the winter. Why? See, there I go again. I want to know why. :(
Maybe it is in part because winter pushes us to realize our mortality just a bit more. Every step we take outside is met with the instant embrace of the frigid air that could very well be our undoing if we didn't take the necessary precautions of warm clothing and time-caps on our mid-winter outdoor excursions.
Those thoughts don't come around that much in the summer do they? Ah, summer. When you step outside on a sunny summer day, the air and the elements seem to gleefully reassure you of your life, your vitality. Your will to live and to enjoy life. What a contrast to winter. See, winter is a contrast to us. To life. It's the sun, being shielded ever so slightly more from us. If that process were to continue... it would get colder. And colder. And we would be snuffed out. Summer complements our state of aliveness. Winter taunts it.
Ah, I love winter. Is that bad? To love a force that could ultimately destroy my aliveness? Or is it good? To revel in the truthfulness winter offers? The secrets the howling wind whispers in one's ear: "You are not truly so stable in your aliveness. I could take it from you."
Winter, he, or she, or it, is right. The cold does possess power to end our life. That's what winter is. A biting check every time you walk out the door, making sure you aren't too "in the moment," assuring you that life on this earth does indeed end, and one would do well not to forget that.

Second topic of the day:
Diminishing return.
Particularly in practice. With my concerto... notes memorized. Check. I can play well with the piano, ensemble is good. Check. Shifts are reliable. Check. There is a dose of character and musicality. Check.

Are we done here?

Nope.
Sorry, another little reminder in life. Perfection is a thing. And it's a thing we can't reach. And the closer we feel we are, the harder it is to get there. But everyone knows that. What I'm trying to say is that when I practice, the basics come, and then with some more hard practice, the real meaty stuff, the music-making comes. And yet, I can never say I am done. I can never be over with it. As time goes on, (we all have experienced this) our endeavors seem to be giving less and less back to us. Diminishing return, of course. The closer you get think you are to the standard of perfection, the more you realize you just can't get there on your own power. I try, of course. Giving up is dumb, best attempts are always better. But we all know that's hard.
I don't know, I guess that was more of a venting/confession of what my practice life is like. But let's compare winter and diminishing return in practicing, shall we? Both highlight our insufficiencies. Aye. There's the rub. As Hamlet would say. :)

Lastly,
I am courting the prospect of learning some Hungarian. In a more serious and dedicated manner. Ladeez and gennlmen. Let me tell you. If you want to feel insufficient at something, try learning Hungarian.
That's basically all I'm going to say on that topic.



I enjoy all of these things. Winter, the finer points of practicing, and learning a language with 14 vowels, 18 cases, postpositional pronouns, no future tense, no translation of the verb "to have," and the word, "megszentségteleníthetetlenségeskedéseitekért." But why? Grrrrrrrrrr I'm asking again. I'll just say this. Maybe facing the truth of the human condition of utter insufficiency to have things perfect, or endless (what I've boiled all of these activities down to, in other words) is exciting to some, including me, because it, among other things, implies a Being from which these ideas of a perfect standard, eternity, etc. stem from.
I like that. that thought. Not fully developed, not fully or perfectly expressed. (I'm not a perfect writer, go figure.) It doesn't need to be. We all have the capacity to feel it.
It's Michigan, after all!
Take a step outside, and taste your finiteness. :)

A Scholastic Adventure

Following post per request of my friend Alison.
For certain undisclosed reasons, I found myself in quite a pickle last Thursday night. Class was at 8:30 the next morning, and I still had a mountain of homework to do. Oh, and I was at a concert, so I couldn't actually do any of the school. Normally, I employ my masterfully developed skills at doing what needs done to get through class and leaving the rest for some other time. However, I don't like doing that. Since when has school become such a burden to me? Why does it seem so oppressive? It is such a privilege; one I have taken for granted much too often of late. If I really do enjoy learning, I figured I could hire my "enthusiasm" to do something big.
I realized I am graduating in two weeks, and yet, in my entire high school career, I had never pulled an all-nighter to do my homework. This is largely due to the fact that I have parents who are strict about such matters and have taught me to be disciplined. In other words, I've never really needed to pull an all-nighter. Nor did I especially need to in this circumstance, but I thought I should embark on this "rite of passage" the homework all-nighter represents to the typical American highschooler.
And thus, with silent acquiescence, I vowed to myself this all-nighter would happen.
Yet I am not an infallible human being. I knew I could not do this by myself. So, after a short text conversation, I had enlisted a partner in crime, my classmate Alison.
I'm not sure how to illustrate the massive mental firewalls and safeguards I constructed to protect against the call of sleep. Nor the extensive planning I did to ensure what I did at 4:30am was actually beneficial rather than harmful.
In short, I was determined. I got home from the concert at 9:47. I ate a piece of pie and drank a cup of coffee.
And so it began.
I had to take some logic tests. Those had to come first. I needed as much brain power as I could for those. Then other stuff.
12:43am. Four logic tests done. Alison's and my chat:
"4 done"

"Yay!"

"Working on 6 now."

"Two more pages of dates! :D"

"I love Peter's art."

"Me too lol. But stay focused."

"I am focused... not really. Done with test 6!"

"I know. My brain shuts off right about now... Yay!! Good job! Only 5 left"

"Yay! And keep on keeping on! Imagine the bragging rights, the memories!"

"Yes. Those bragging rights are looking pretty good."

"Gtg, check in at 2, k?"

Come 2 o'clock...

"It's 2! Only 4.5 hours until we have to 'wake up.'"

"We can do this."

"I want to stab conjunctive syllogisms in the face."

"Hahahahahahahaha wait until oblique syllogisms."

"Excuse me while I go get coffee" (It was actually only my third cup!)

And so it went. We motivated by bragging rights and the occasional excursion to view Peter's artwork. However, things went downhill starting at 3am. Observe.

"I want to go to bed sooooooooooooooobad"

"Haha you're telling me."

"But we need to do this. We just have to. We've made it this far already."

"Ugh. Just don't think about it. Thinking makes it worse."

4 o'clock was definitely the hardest point of the whole night. I had finished all my logic and a good deal of Latin homework. The circumstances were pushing me to the limits of consciousness.

"Hey... so nothing goes into my head. It just bounces right back out. I'm starting to question whether there's a point to staying up."

"Are you trying to memorize Shakespeare?"

"Read World History. No! I can do this! fiiiiiigggggggghhhhhht"

"Ah. I'd say, yeah lets go to sleep but... THE GLORY!!! THE FAME!!! FREAKING OUR TEACHER OUT!!!"

"YES. I'm going to go search for my history timeline right now."

And thus it went. There was one more particularly funny episode of conversation at 5, but I will spare you from hearing any more of our early-morning rants.

So you get the gist of things! This was my first ever homework all-nighter! I completed World History, wrote a paper about Macbeth, completed homework for eleven logic lessons, and studied (successfully) for the Latin final.

Not all was finished, however. I still had to make it through class and discover whether my work I did was worth anything. For all I knew, I just signed my death warrant by compiling a large amount of bad grades. Class came. I made it through. I held it together. I only had two cups of coffee. I ate Chinese for lunch. I did not giggle incessantly. 

I got A's on everything.

WIN.

Recital Preparation

Music is an art. More specifically, however, it is a performing art. You can't make it in a secluded room and then display it for all to see once you're happy. At least, not all the time. All musicians should be good performers. Regardless of how good one sounds in the practice room, music is communication and communication works best from person to person when both are physically present. If you want any amount of rapport or renown as a musician, you absolutely must be ready to perform in public.
What is so interesting to me is the amount of people I run into who claim to be musicians and yet unabashedly cite performing as the bane of their musical career. They love playing music, but not in front of people. What? That's weird. The point of music is to enrich the lives of others. Saying you like being a musician, but aren't comfortable performing is akin to a surgeon saying they love saving people's lives but don't feel competent with a scalpel under pressure. Surgeons get over the fear and the pressure because that's precisely what you need to do to be a successful surgeon. I would say the same goes for musicians. You have to embrace the fact that you must perform and you must learn how to do it as well as possible (which means performing as much as possible to learn) so you can be comfortable in your own skin and your own accomplishments up on the stage.
For music to be truly meaningful, not just impressive, or entertaining, you have to give a convincing performance. This doesn't mean you have to be flawless. Good performances happen even with the unfortunate distractions mistakes can bring. Nevertheless, being a convincing performer means really believing what you are playing. If music does have meaning, then be 100% focused on the meaning of the music and make it your goal to convince your audience of the musical meaning that is convicting you.
Mistakes happen, and we work to ensure their demise because mistakes will distract and interrupt any connection the performer builds up with the audience. Getting past distractions is key, because whether they be mistakes, a sick audience member, or an alien invasion, they will happen, and you have to work around them. Work at eliminating the distractions in your own playing, but don't put your confidence in that. If you put your confidence in performing without mistakes, watch out! The one time you're ready to pull off a flawless performance, chances are a turkey will fly in through an adjacent window and ruin everything. Not to mention being absorbed in technicalities can often restrict the amount of musicality going on.
All that being said, this is very difficult, and very little of this is completely true all the time. Different circumstances will arise, and unexpected mishaps will occur. Keep trying, keep learning, and be committed to making your performances as convincing as possible.
So, in lieu of my mini-treatise on performance, I am preparing for my senior recital. I will be playing works of Brahms, Enesco, and Bach. In preparation for this, I have been doing a few different things. One, I will probably be changing my diet up a bit. Less caffeine, and lots of bananas the day of. Whether these acts make a biological difference is actually superfluous. It is the mental impression you get from rigorous preparation techniques that make things work. Placebo effect.
More exercise. Everything works better when one is fit. Always. Just a general principle of life. Plus I want to be conditioned for ultimate frisbee this summer.
More techniques for preparation are in the works. Watch for more on this topic in the coming weeks as my senior recital draws nearer and nearer!

I'm a morning/Michigan person.

Hello everyone.
Last night, I performed on three different instruments, in four different ensembles. Afterwards, I was a bit run down, hence I did not believe there was in myself the energy for a blog post. But today... now that is different.
I am often shocked with how much of a morning person I am. Despite the fact that I often stay up late and wake up late, everything always goes better if I make my days more morning oriented and work to make my mornings good.
Let me enlighten you with an example. After aforementioned concert, I went to a friend's house and gained six hours of sleep. Not enough in normal conditions, but when you make sure to fill your morning with bright and cheery people, good food, scripture, prayer, and tea made by a seasoned tea connoisseur, (no pun intended) life feels pretty good. For the whole day, in fact. (Relatively speaking)
Note: Not every day caters to laid-back aesthetically pleasing mornings. Anticipating this particular human plight, God created coffee.
The beautiful weather has been quite nice too. This year, I have had some good friends living in far away places and experiencing different climates. It makes me all the more thankful to live in Michigan. Good, cold winters, with lots of snow and iconic winter experiences, giving way to beautiful springs where we can watch trees bud, orchards blossom and flowering bulbs poke their heads out in a colorful proclamation of new life. (Among rivers of mud... yeah that part's not the best.) Summers are warm but not hot, with just a few hot weeks to make beaches and swimming fun. All winds down to a quiet, introspective fall, where the trees become silent fireworks and the fields give up their last bursts of produce. Notice the picture in the upper right; the backyard of yours truly.
And we have freshwater oceans on our doorstep. Definitely a plus.

Surprises.

I promised to have some surprise posts this year. Ready?
Surprise #1 is this post. The fact that this blog is alive. The fact that you thought it was dead and the whole 52 post challenge was over. I'm here to tell you it's not. I will still post at least 52 times this year. Surprise.
I don't have anything deep or chewy for you today. Nevertheless, a post is still in order. I have some observations about life that need shared.
I was disappointed in myself today. It's the Monday after Easter, and Easter is a celebration of one of the most joyous occurrences in human history. You would think I would still be thinking and meditating about this past week's celebrations and what they represent. Sadly, I must say I have spent zero time thinking or meditating on anything Gospel-related. If I did, I've forgotten. I don't like to admit that Easter apparently had little enough effect on me I was able to spend all of today thinking about myself. Just an observation.
The power of audiobooks. I am working in every possible way to save up so I can go to the MasterWorks Festival this summer. Teaching. Busking. Log-splitting. Burning things. Raking. I even was offered a job cleaning up bird spit. Just anything I can work around my still-hectic schedule of school, practice, and other musical engagements. Today, I was going to do some yard work for someone and I realized I could download an audiobook and listen to it while I worked. Ecce, magic. I powered through seven chapters of Agnes Grey by Anne Bronte. I am quite pleased with this arrangement. If I can continue earning money while listening to classics, I will be very happy. Agnes Grey is a wonderful book from what I've listened to so far. It has very few reviews on Amazon, which I found very strange. Anne Bronte was the sister of Charlotte Bronte, who wrote Jane Eyre. Apparently, people usually skip over Agnes Grey, expecting it to be a Jane Eyre wannabe. I assure you, it's not. Agnes Grey was written first. Yes, they are both about governesses in 19th century England, but the comparisons fall short after that.
I practiced two hours today, though I could've gotten more if I had economized my time more efficiently. A lesson for tomorrow, I suppose.
On tomorrow's agenda:
Teach four lessons
Do as much school as possible
Practice as much as possible
Work if possible
Play a concert

So that's today's post. I'm sorry if it was a bit underwhelming, but I think that's what I need. I don't need to think so hard about good topics to write about, daily life brings them up all the time. The goal is to see what happens if I post daily for awhile. Hopefully, I will be able to more quickly recognize patterns and extract insights, ideas, etc. So we'll see how tomorrow goes.

“The ties that bind us to life are tougher than you imagine, or than any one can who has not felt how roughly they may be pulled without breaking.” -Anne Bronte, Agnes Grey

Cycles

My life goes in cycles. I can never put my finger on defining them precisely, but I'm sure it happens! Up and down. And up and down. Up. Around. Down. If I could be so bold as to refer to my penultimate post, I said part of my goal in opening this year was to live through college auditions. I did! Very exciting! I am amazed at how much I learned over the month and a half I was auditioning, and I am looking forward to replenishing this blog with posts about these wonderful lessons.
Back to cycles. One thing that shocked me about audition season is how I felt license to excuse so many things because I was practicing more than usual. Everything from, "laundry can wait another day," to "yes, this sermon is convicting, but I'll apply it to my life after the stress leaves." The thing is, the audition cycle has wound down, but my life still has plenty of other wheels of busyness chugging around. What bothers me is how often I feel caught up in a certain cycle, and I use it as an excuse to not examine my life and make changes to my life. For instance, I often stumble upon a habit I know should be broken before leaving for college. Yet instead of concentrating on the problem and fixing it, I ignore it, and let it continue, with the bankrupt excuse that, "I'm too busy now, but someday when life is all daffodils and bacon, I'll get around to fixing it." Unfortunately I'm realizing, though there are cycles, and there are ups and downs, life generally accelerates. And gets faster. And speeds up. I think in one sense that's how it should be. (That's another blog topic)
How do I stop using my cycles of business and stress to willfully blind myself against areas in my life that need to be fixed? Yes, it will take time, and yes it will hurt. I worry letting bad habits live on only gives them more opportunity to circle (cycle?) around and bite me in the heels.
There were things I noticed during the past few months that need to be fixed. It seemed hard to change them then, but it really doesn't seem any easier now. I'm trying so hard to peer into my future, looking down to untangle my feet seems risky. I might swerve off the path.
I think I have a theoretical answer. Charlotte Bronte said, "I try to avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward." I think she understood the feeling I have. Certainly the last thing to do is to look downward! Trying to get various things, big and small, straightened out on my own, with my own sight and my own strength, is not very smart!
Nevertheless, how does that work out practically? The Holy Spirit. It's amazing how many of life's problems and conflicts can be solved if you go back to the Gospel! I think God is slowly teaching me, over time, that when I try to fix my own problems on my own strength and my own time, I'm going to fail. God is teaching me to let go of myself and look up so I can let Him take over. He can fix my problems and make me into what he desires with His strength.
It's a simple reminder, but I am writing about this because the Gospel is always impacting me in new ways; God is continually sanctifying me through auditions, fellow Christians, and even my dog. (That's another story.)
So this is what I have learned about auditions and cycles in general. Life does not settle down and wait for problems to be fixed methodically and reasonably on human terms. It just doesn't. Granted, there are some rather big moments (like audition days) where you have to focus immensely on one single aspect of your life, but even then, we have to allow the Holy Spirit to mend us and work in our lives even during the stress, through the cycles of chaos. Because frankly, if we don't allow the Holy Spirit to work in those times, He will have very little time get the job done!
I hope this is helpful and I happily await sharing more with you about the past two months.

Be True to Yourself.

     I consider myself quite talented at raising questions. Answering them... now that is different. Nevertheless, we will never find answers without asking questions, so I believe I must try. I live in America. A land of liberty. A land where it has become increasingly popular to be true to yourself. In the event that you, dear reader, had not noticed, the average American is under heavy pressure to suppress their natural hopes and aspirations, their creativity, and expressions of love, all because they goes against dogmatic, old-fashioned tradition. Never fear! Pop culture is running in to save the day! No matter where you turn, what you listen to, or what you're shopping for, America's music, cinema, and media is all raising awareness to this problem. With a little help, (or, more likely, none at all) the average American can find support groups and inspiration to be honest with their feelings, listen to their hearts, and be brave enough to share their ideas. In fact, you can get this support whether you need it or not, because, more and more, the whole of Western culture is gearing itself to equipping individuals with the bravery and the guts to stop suppressing what they feel, who they love, and why they do what they do.
     Okay. Sarcasm is like saffron. A hint of it improves the whole dish, but too much tastes bad and is an expensive mistake. So I shall curb the sarcasm for a bit. What I want to address in this post is the increasing urge I'm observing among people to be honest. Specifically, to be honest to their hearts. "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind," says Dr. Seuss. And the agonizing cliche, "Be true to yourself;" is that true?
     Many people seem to believe that suppression of feelings is bad. Why is that? Why is it seeming more and more evil to us? I do not have a direct answer, but I do want to say that suppression should not be viewed as evil. Suppression is not intrinsically good or evil; it depends on what we are trying to suppress!
     First of all, we need to admit that people have evil in them, and that sometimes, (oftentimes?) when anyone, including yours truly, wants to do something, our motivation is evil. That is not easily observable. We, as humans, are not only masterful self-servers, but we are also talented self-deceivers. We often deceive ourselves into believing that we are, first, not true to ourself, than second that we have to be true to ourself or else we will be miserable. Thirdly, we convince ourselves honesty to ourself is not bad in any way and we can disregard others in our search for true honesty to self. Yet humans are desperately wicked, and so often, being selfish and serving ourselves will only lead to calamity!
     Enter a Disney reference. A wonderful film that touches on this topic is Frozen. (mild spoilers ahead!) If you have seen it, you know where I'm going. Elsa, the queen with hidden powers sings the amazing song "Let it go," when her powers are discovered and she runs away to a solitary mountain. Finally she is free to "let it go," "can't hold it back anymore," "turn my back and slam the door." The distance makes everything seem small. "No right, no wrong, no rules for me, I'm free." "The fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all." "I'm never going back, the past is in the past."
     First off, I love the song. It's fantastic! I don't want to ruin it by picking it apart, but let's examine what she says. She only feels safe letting it go alone, away from other people. She feels a need for seclusion. Feeling this way is a red flag! Seclusion rarely breeds righteousness. Good choices thrive among others where there is accountability.
    Also, she is right that, "the past is in the past." Logical by definition. Nevertheless, she's making some strident moves towards her past relationships. Turning her back, slamming the door, etc. The song is a wonderful expression and examination of the human desire to unleash our heart's direction, and also our surprising willingness to slam the door and walk away from others. I understand there's a lot more that goes into what Elsa is thinking at the time, but even though her specific case is more complicated, this song is the anthem of many Americans right now. 
    The film then makes a bold move when it is realized that Elsa's powers unleashed have not been good. It plunges the kingdom into deep winter, and the people struggle to survive. The film is illustrating that being true to yourself may be fun for you, but it doesn't go without consequences, often endangering people around you! Elsa had unconsciously deceived herself into believing her seclusion had protected her kingdom, but it had really pushed it to the brink of extinction. Then, at the end of the story, what fixes the mess? Suppression. Elsa learned that, though things hidden inside us are sometimes forced out and discovered, running away and letting it go is not the answer, and love for others is more important than rampant "self-honesty."
    Perhaps I have raised more questions than answers, but that's what I said I was going to do. I have observed this aspect of people, and I would urge you to carefully consider your own thoughts on the topic. Please share your thoughts with me! Like I said, we are so good at deceiving ourselves, so weigh your opinions against the thoughts of other people, and especially, the Bible. And go watch Frozen. It's a good movie.
    

In all Seriousness.

In all seriousness. It is time to take blogging seriously or give it up. Yes, I can turn out a good post every few months, but I think it is time to take the commitment level up a notch. Indeed, I think a New Year's Resolution might even be a bit of help!

I'm not fully decided yet, but let's see what kind of material I might be able to use this year. Even though this blog is titled "Dianoetic and Digressive," it still needs some larger themes that hold it together; things that will keep you, my dear audience, interested.

This year will definitely have a lot of different events I can imagine as good material. College auditions in January-February. Summer, which could go a few different ways. I'll probably be home saving up for college, but if I'm lucky, I may be at the MasterWorks Festival in Indiana for four weeks, or possibly even with the National Youth Orchestra. Those are both pending though. Then there's the fall. Blogging about my first semester at college will be... interesting. If even possible.

I have skipped a substantial window of time. March-May, I have no big plans, and lots of time to learn, experiment, and do awesome, blog-worthy things! I have some good ideas, but I think I will withhold them for now.

52 posts. One year. Can I do it? Whether I can or not, I think it's a worthy goal, and I can't see myself regretting a hearty attempt. A lot of my plans this year are outlandish and crazy, but whether I accomplish them or not, I'll still grow through them if I make up my mind to do so.

In fact, why not make charting the ways I grow personally the general theme of my blogging this year? The next twelve months will very likely hold some of the biggest changes of my life so far.

So this is a good bye for now. I earnestly hope this year I can remain committed to blog once a week, and I also desire that I can remain committed to good writing and clear thoughts so the posts can be enjoyable for you all. I think this plan has great potential, and I look forward to sharing all the surprises I have planned.

Learning Styles…?

Hey everyone! Long time no see.
So, today I'm here to talk about something I think about a lot.
Because I'm a high school student, I spend the majority of my time studying. If I'm not studying, I'm practicing viola or piano, or studying French, or writing, or watching movies. Or procrastinating.
My point is, I spend a great deal of my time engaged in different activities, most of which fall under the category of what modern society has dubbed "learning." I spend tons of time doing it and I'm constantly asking, "How well am I doing this?" "Am I being as efficient as I can be?"etc. I'm constantly trying to improve my learning abilities, and my learning efficiency.
Once in class I was ranting against people treating the whole idea of "learning styles" like a crutch. This bothers me because, though admittedly I have no idea of what scientific evidence is out there, I feel from my experiences that, though people do have certain ways they learn best, way to many people take this whole idea and use it as a crutch. "I'm just not good at this because I'm a kinetic learner." they say. I was trying to say that most smart people don't get where they are by trying to zero in on their perfect learning style and then proceed to learn all they know through that style. It's really very inconvenient. If you're a "physical learner" you learn best through physical touch, etc. How's that going to work out? Just spend long hours rubbing the pages of your textbook? Or what if you're an "audio learner?" Is the best solution having someone read your chemistry module out loud to you?

I am not denying that people definitely have certain methods that work better for them than others. But becoming a good learner is not about finding your style and then trying to use everything in that style. I think a person will be far better off if they try to learn in many different styles and methods. I think if you train yourself to learn in different styles, you will ultimately end up learning much more than those who give up on subjects they can't "hear" or "touch" and only focus on those that come easily to them.

So how does one train themselves to learn differently?

I am glad you asked. Currently I'm working on that myself, and I feel I've made enormous progress. I think perhaps my learning style tends (tended?) to be visual. But even when I was thinking along these lines, I couldn't really answer for my self what visual learning was. In a way, everything is visual! There's not a single school subject I have that I don't see. So that confused me. All I really knew was that some subjects were harder for me than others.
Instead of going through my experiences in chronological order, I thought it would be more helpful to explain it all through my current knowledge.
The biggest step you have to take is this:
Forget the entire concept of learning styles. Now. Just throw it away! You don't need it. All you can keep is an idea of learning pathways. There are different pathways into your brain. Your eyes, your ears, your fingers, etc. Some of them may be more traveled than others. But all of this should occupy a very insignificant status in your brain. Just throw it away.
Step 2: Maximize your will to learn! For students in school, realize this is one of the very few chances you have for the bulk of your time to be spent on active, purposeful learning. Also, meditate in your personal devotions on how God would wish for you to spend your time. Certainly, if He has given you a tremendous amount of resources for learning, do not take them for granted! Pray that He will increase your will to learn.
Step 3: Be ruthless in what it takes to give you time necessary for learning. Recently I shut down many of my social media accounts for this very purpose. Just do it.
Step 4: Take one day of your week, and record minute for minute what you spend your time on. Look at the clock when you sit down to sip your coffee. Look at it when you get up. Write it down. I don't care if you're not an organized person, you can do it for one day. I did.

These are all preliminary steps. Doing all of these will not harm you. Just do them. Be ruthless in your will to learn. Be ruthless in your will to reform. But also, be ruthless in being flexible. Some of us believe in scheduling our days, but it will never help if you don't know how to work around interruptions.

Now. The learning. Step 1: All of your subjects are worth it. Never tell yourself you are wasting your time learning. It's a lie. If you want to spend time doing other things, be more efficient. See tips above. Even if it technically is a waste of time, nothing is going to change if you harp on that issue. Just do it, and get it over with. You will have the knowledge, and you will be more experienced with pushing through something you don't like. Just do it. It will be over soon. And your brain will not run out of space, don't worry. Cram it full.

Step 2: Something is hard? You're not getting it? Only one solution. Be a ruthless conqueror! Really! Do whatever it takes to learn it! If none of your usual tricks work, seek out extra resources. If that doesn't work, use this principle. "Someone else has learned this before you. It is indeed humanly possible. If you can't do it, find someone who can, and make them tell you how to learn it."

Step 3: Never be satisfied. Unless you are perfect, there is always room for improvement. Always try to push yourself to see how much you can accomplish. Lacking motivation? Sorry, no cure for that. It's a character issue we all struggle with and we all must strive to overcome.

Doing all of these things will not let you down. If you do these and it does, please contact me with your story and how you can do it better! One of my tutors once enforced seemingly mindless exercises with this reasoning: "It builds new pathways in your brain." So incredibly true! Back to our idea of learning pathways… if something is hard, it often means it is stretching the capacity of the learning pathway you are using. The best thing to do is to push until it works. Ignoring your weaker pathways will not make them stronger. Mental fitness metaphors come to mind.

I must warn you. Pursuing truth and building the mental fitness for pursuing truth are not easy. We are all battling the effects of the Curse, and I don't believe the Devil appreciates people who are pursuing truth and trying to do it in a God-glorifying way. Lack of motivation is usually the only seed he needs to plant in you. The best remedy for restoring it is reading Scripture. :)

1 Corinthians 10:31
So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

Philippians 4:19
And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

If God is for us, who can be against us?

Just do it!

Happy learning!

Tolkien, Faeries, and Creation

An interesting article for Tolkien fans and others as well.
Tolkien, Faeries, and Creation: A Featured Article | Circe Institute